A personal message to women everywhere.

[10 minute read]

This is a message from me as a man, to you as a woman.

I’ve always known we were equal, something you’ve had to fight hard to achieve. Something you’re still fighting hard for, most likely in ways I’ll never even fully understand or appreciate.

I don’t know if it was the way I was brought up, the way I was educated, or just blind luck, but it genuinely never occurred to me that gender made us un-equal. Different, perhaps, but still equal. But I know that’s something you’re still fighting against, and still fighting for. And I’m sorry that in this day and age, you still have to do that.

I’ve also always known, life is often very different for you, presumably for no other reason than because of some of the ways you are physically different.

As a man who doesn’t discriminate against women, sometimes it can be difficult for me to understand, or even see. (Perhaps so difficult to see, that I may well do it without knowing it at times. It’s possible.) If I’m not doing it myself, or on the receiving end of it, discrimination often goes unnoticed by people like me. Oblivious. Ignorant. Sometimes it’s obvious and I can choose to say something, which I almost certainly do. But my sphere of influence is only so wide, so other than not contributing to the problem, and perhaps calling it out if I see it happen around me, there’s only so much I can do.

It’s the same if you happen to be man who doesn’t rape or murder women. When as men, we walk down the street, not only are we not usually particularly worried about being raped or murdered ourselves, we’re also not thinking of doing that to anyone else. Anecdotally, and statistically, I’d like to think it’s most of us who aren’t doing that, but I accept that for you, it’s an ever-present threat, and it’s difficult to tell the difference between who might or might not do such a thing, and we’re all a potential threat. And I’m sorry you have to look at all of us the same way. I can imagine, but I literally can’t know what that is like.

The closest I can know, is when I’m riding my bike, and I assume every motorist is likely to injure or kill me. Where I assume it’s not a matter of if, but when, I’ll be hit. Possibly killed. So I ride a certain way. I try and be extra careful. There are places I avoid. I wear certain clothes. Take extra precautions. Not because all motorists are bad or careless, but because I know one day, one of them, for who knows what reason, will hit me. It almost certainly won’t be my fault. But I need to do what I can to be safe and protect myself. Not because I should have to, but because I do have to. I also understand this example could in itself be insulting, comparing riding my bike, with what you go through on a daily basis. I want to understand though, and it’s the closest I can come to doing that. I also know I can choose not to ride my bike, whereas you cannot choose to not be a woman. And nor should you have to.

The truth is, I don’t know any rapists or murderers personally, so I don’t know if this is something they talk about with their mates. Or if, like most other types of criminals, perhaps they stick together. Or keep their abhorrent acts secret. I only say that, because I can assure you, like a lot of men, most perhaps, I’m not sitting by idle while people I know commit these atrocious acts. I’m passionately, vocally against them, but as far as I know, I’m preaching to the converted, so I honestly don’t know what else I can do. And I’m sorry I can’t do more. That I simply don’t know what else to do.

Over the past few days I’ve seen countless messages aimed at men after what happened to Eurydice Dixon. Understandably angry and outraged messages. I’ve wanted to reply, to say that the people you are talking about are criminals first, and men second. To say not all men are like this. But I know now is not the time to have that conversation. To be… defensive. That my discomfort with being grouped in with rapists and murders, that my discomfort with any implication that I hold you responsible for the crimes others are committing, is nothing compared to your discomfort. Your fear. Your anger and your outrage. So all I can do is remain silent for fear of making things worse. But I also don’t want that silence to be interpreted as inaction or indifference. I just don’t know what else to say or do. So I’m sorry for that.

I’ve done my best to raise my own son to respect all humans, women included. Of course. Through words, and by example. As far as I’m aware, he’s not racist, homophobic, sexist or in any other way discriminatory. As far as I know, he’s also not a rapist or murderer. But then, I’m not sure he’d tell me if he was. If he does grow up to do one of these things, I’m sorry for that in advance. I did my best, I really did.

And that’s where things get tricky. I’m no criminologist, so I don’t really know why people, why men, do these things. Is it the way they were brought up? Something that happened to them when they were younger? Is it a power thing? Are they mentally disturbed? On drugs? Are they just evil people? Maybe a combination of all of the above? Not that any of those things make these sorts of actions acceptable, nothing does. But if I don’t know what the problem is, I also don’t know how to fix it. I’m pretty good at some things, but stopping other men committing these crimes simply isn’t one of them. Perhaps one day I’ll write something so profound that it will help, but for now, I don’t know what else to do. And my guess is, neither does anyone else. Otherwise surely we would have done it by now? So I’m sorry there doesn’t seem to be an easy or quick fix for this.

My guess is, there’s some sort of education required, some sort of don’t be violent, don’t rape or murder program required. Who develops that, who implements it, and how effective it is, is anyone’s guess. Surely it’s worth a shot. Doing nothing certainly isn’t working. But when I look at the difficulty we had implementing a safe schools program to keep our kid’s safe, I can’t say I’m hopeful the perfect solution will come along any time soon. I can’t speak for you, but I’d be happy for an imperfect solution in the meantime. Please. Somebody. Do something.

I understand our laws are designed to punish people who get caught, not stop people committing crimes. And I highly doubt the people who commit these crimes are really thinking about the law when they’re doing the things they do. They’re beyond that. Beyond reason. Beyond… humanity. And certainly beyond my definition of ‘a real man’. They are scum. They are cowards. And first and foremost, they are criminals. And to me at least, the penalties given to these people often don’t seem severe enough either. And I’m sorry about that.

So all I can do is apologise. And then apologise again that the act of apologising is passive, useless, and changes literally nothing for you.

I’m sorry for what you put up with on a daily basis. I’m sorry that you have to live in fear. And most of all, I’m sorry that you have to look at all of us, at me, as a potential threat. Because I don’t know what else to do.

If I could wear a flag or a ribbon or identify myself as not being a threat in some other way, I would. If I could wear my police clearance in a way that was easy for you to see, I would. But I know that would be mostly meaningless anyway. I’m sure plenty of the criminals who commit these crimes, would pass a police clearance also.

I once read an article that said if I was walking down the street at night and there was a woman walking down the same street, I could cross to the other side of the road so that she didn’t have to. At first that seemed a bit ridiculous to me, but after considering it, after talking to women about how they feel and what they go through, now I do that. I can do that. So I do.

Now, when I’m walking or running and I notice a woman not saying “hello” or even making eye contact, I now understand she’s not being unfriendly or aloof as I once suspected, she’s likely just trying to survive the day. She’s likely just afraid. Of me. I know she doesn’t need to be, but she doesn’t. So she’s in self preservation mode. Don’t make eye contact. Don’t do anything to engage. That’s her routine. I never knew that before. I do now. And now that I know it, I see it everywhere. And it breaks my heart. I’m sorry.

I’m also sorry that if I ever dare to care about your well being, if I ever dare to express my concern, if I do that in a way that makes things worse and not better because I don’t do it ‘properly’, I’m sorry. I promise you I know it’s not your fault when bad things happen to you, and I don’t personally know anyone who thinks that way either. So if I tell you to be careful, or offer to walk you to your car, I can assure you it’s simply because I want you to be OK, and I know there are bad people out there. Bad people who are usually men. And I don’t know how to tell them not to do what they do, so the only other thing I know to do, is to tell you to watch out for them. Not because you should have to, but because until things change, you do have to.

I can’t say I’m speaking for other men when I say any of this, but please know, that while we may not experience the same fear you do, the same level of violence you do, the same threat of violence you do, there are plenty of us who also hate the way things are. And want them to be different.

If you know what else we can do, what else I can do, please tell me. Because short of me not doing these things myself, or allowing anyone I know or anyone around me to do them, I’m at a loss. 

I truly want to you to be able to walk wherever you want, whenever you want, wearing whatever you want. And I know a lot of other men do too.

I want you to be, and feel, safe. I just don’t know how to make sure you are and do.

So all I can do is continue to offer you a mostly useless apology. And ask your forgiveness, that if and when I do try and express my concern, if and when I do say I hope you can be and feel safe, it’s not because I think anything is your fault, but because I literally don’t know what else to say or do.

Amongst other things, I’ve seen the response to Eurydice’s murder described as ‘inadequate’. I’ve seen people say we should “step the fuck up to stop men’s terrorism on women”. I’ve seen people say “this isn’t going to stop until men stop murdering us”, that we’re “too worried correcting women’s behaviour to fix the actual problem” and “we shouldn’t be killed for being women”. And this: “Instead of telling our girls not to walk through parks, maybe we should be telling our boys not to rape them”. If only it were that simple.

As someone whose job it is to write stuff, I will write that I could not agree more with these comments. I will speak out about it whenever I can. I will step up my game and write about this issue more often in the hope that it may make some difference somewhere.

In the meantime, please know, not all men do these things, not all men are OK with these things, and plenty of us speak out against it whenever and however we can. We are not all the enemy, even if the enemy hides amongst us.

We may not always know the right thing to say or do, but many of us are doing our best. We’re on your side.

We will make this better. We must make this better. Together.

Because this isn’t about women against men, or men against women, it’s about men and women united against criminals.

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