(Spoiler alert: I am a complete and utter knobhead and somehow managed to have my GoPro on some random setting taking some random photos when I didn’t even realise for at least some of the time today and oopsie daisy.  So when you’re wondering why a few of the pics are upside down or gratuitous crotch shots, that may or may not be the reason why.)

Haven’t done an actual race for a while for reasons I could probably explain, but not without feeling a disturbance in the force, so let’s just say I’m a bit ‘disenchanted’ with events in general at the moment, and leave it as a story for another day. Or never.

For reasons I can’t quite put my finger on, Conquer the Summit has a special place in my heart though, so I’m in for this one.

Now, for those of you who missed it, I’m coming off a little running streak of 10k a day that I did at the start of the year for 50 days straight. Actually, more accurately and literally, make that 50 consecutive days. There wasn’t a plan or a strategy or a challenge, it was just a totally random thing I never intended to do but just sort of did by accident. Hey, it happens. At least if you’re me.

The end result of that was come race day I was probably a bit fitter, but also quite a bit more worn out. When I finished that streak a few weeks before Conquer the Summit, I wasn’t sure if I should keep running, wind it down and taper, have some time off and rest or… something else? Buggered if I know. *Shrugs* So I did a bit of all three and none of them properly.

At this event I haven’t been able to crack two hours for the 20kms for a few years, so that was my goal going in, with no idea what my chances were. We were told a minor course tweak meant it might be a little faster this year, but there’s still a lot of variables, not the least of which was I was still absolutely fucked from the whole 10k a day thing.

Haven’t cracked the two hour mark for a few years.

I get up to Mt Barker super early to beat the dunny line ups, pick up my race number, and the first thing one of the event organisers says when they spot me is “We’ve got plenty of toilet paper this year!” and suddenly I feel really bad that I may have been a bit hard on them last year about that absence of shit tickets, but also relieved. Literally.

But it seems all is not smooth sailing in the dunny department, because as I walk past I hear one runner who shall remain nameless, coming out to tell her friends the toilet she used did not flush. I’m thinking, oh, that’s not too bad… but when she confirmed it was number twos, then yeah, that’s not great. It’s gonna be a crappy morning for the people using that cubicle afterwards.

I tell her I’m gonna include her ‘too much information’ overshare in my bog, I mean blog, but I promise not to reveal her identity. Or should that be identutu? IYKYK

I grab my little sippy bottle with my magic running potion in there, take a few sips, then go to do some other stuff, and you know that old comedy thing where someone has a drink in their hand and then goes to check the time on their watch and when they turn their hand the drink goes all over them? Yeah, that. I end up pouring my sticky drink all over my legs, my running belt, my GoPro and fuck. that. is. sticky. And gross.

I’ve been in some sticky situations in my time, but this is right up there and look, I’m not gonna say it’s like I’ve been bukkake’d, because a) that would be really inappropriate b) I wouldn’t really know what that is like and c) there’s none on my face, but I strongly suspect the aftermath is at least a bit like this. I do my best to wash my hands and gear but it’s still not great and not exactly the perfect start to my race. (Also, if you don’t know what ‘bukkake’ is, then neither do I, but I also strongly recommend not Googling it.)

Speaking of perfect starts, Brian the Race Director gives an inspiring speech about not dying out on course, and thankfully we also have a First Nations’ Smoking Ceremony to cleanse the bad spirits… and speeches.

I run into Jake from Snowy’s (and you should definitely shop at this great South Aussie company for all your outdoor needs) and as we’re discussing the event I tell him that before there was ever a 20km out and back option, a few of us used to run to the summit, then turn around and run back anyway. Instead of being polite and just nodding and smiling, he reminds me I told him the exact same story last year, and yeah, sounds like me. 100% flog. With a bad memory.

During the race, which has a few out and back sections, I see him probably four or five times and take great delight in yelling out “Did i ever tell you about…” as I run past, and yep, I crack myself up.

Hey Jake, did I tell you about…

My race actually starts off pretty well, and while I know you love it when things go to shit, gotta say, everything goes fairly well. The detour where we literally ran through the grand stand at the footy oval they use for Gather Round was kinda weird, and when I ran past the most relaxed security guard of all time, I considered grabbing his hat and doing a pitch invasion like at the Crows game the other day, but decide against it. In years to come, I feel like this may be one of my many regrets.

I push pretty hard and am in danger of busting a foofer valve, but I am committed to cracking that two hour mark or, despite Brian’s request, die trying. Havng said that, there’s always time to take a few pics along the way because… pics or it didn’t happen. (Thankfully this does not extend to the flushless toilet.)

So anyway, I don’t fall over, I don’t throw up, I don’t collapse in an embarrassing heap at the finish line like two years ago, and I absolutely bust the motherfucking two hour mark. *Fist pump*

See you at the next event… even if it’s this same one next year.

Footnote: Massive shout out to the organisers who also announced at the start that they raised $25,000 for charity with this event. And that’s bloody incredible. Take note other races/events/groups. For runners like me, that’s excellent and one of the reasons I go back every year to run it. 

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