I think one of the secrets to being happy, is finding the hilarity in shitty situations. So let me tell you about the Amy Shark concert last night. I’m a massive Amy Shark fan, but have to say, the show last night was one of the worst I’ve been to in a very long time for many reasons. Some of which had absolutely nothing to do with her.
A quick rundown then.
House lights go down, intro music plays, Amy runs out on stage, and… nothing. *crickets* Dead silence. Massive tech fail and not one single note plays. She’s left stranded. Has a quick chat, then wanders off. But it’s cool, these things happen.
A few minutes pass, and we’re in business. Take two! 🎬 The song starts. Amy comes back out and starts singing. And maybe it’s just me but i’m not entirely sure she’s singing the same song the band is playing? But it’s cool, they’ve just had a major problem so I’m sure they’ll warm up.
Half way through the first song the light show starts and fuck. me. I can’t see. I wonder if I’m having a near death experience and I can see The Light. ☀️ But nope, it’s not just me, the people around me are shielding their eyes also. It’s like we’re looking directly at the sun. From really close to the sun. And fuck me my retinas are burning. It’s like one of those utes with the big bull bar and bogan stickers all over it is coming at me with it’s bank of 400 spotlights on full. And i’m a kangaroo in the middle of the road. A kangaroo with the same eye condition as Bono. Except I don’t have my wrap around sunglasses and fuck me i may genuinely have permanent damage to my eyeballs.
At the end of the first song when the music stops and there’s a quiet moment the bloke next to me yells out “TURN THE LIGHTS UP!!!” and we all laugh. Because it’s funny. And for a brief minute my eyes hurt a little bit less.
Five songs later, the sound still sucks hard, the lights haven’t let up, and the bloke behind me is still yelling out between songs that she should turn the lights up. Except the first time was funny and now it’s just annoying. More annoying than the fucking lights. And I want to tell him. I want to ask what he thinks the chances of her adjusting her lighting rig mid concert are in response to his requests. So I turn around, but he’s quite big, and I decide that while I may now be legally blind, at least I’m alive, so I shut the fuck up. Thankfully, eventually, so does he.
It’s at about this point we see someone get carried out. Not in an elegant way, but rather that sort of way where there’s four people, each with a leg or arm, making their way through the crowd. I’m not sure if she’s drunk, been crushed in the crowd up front, or maybe she’s just gone blind from the lights and can no longer see so is being unceremoniously guided out. Which explains why blind people usually have canes or dogs and not four people carrying a limb. It’s not a great look and certainly not practical in crowds.
Not long after, we notice another woman laying on the floor next to us. She’s not moving, so Lee uses her extensive, nonexistent medical experience to check on her, only to have dead girl’s friend, who is clearly a medical professional, yell at her and tell her she’s fine. Which reminded me of that time I asked a girlfriend if everything was OK and she said she was “fine” which we all know means you’re fucked. So I think it was that kind of “fine”. I suppose it’s possible she was fine and just really tired and taking a nap, but it’s way more possible she was in an RTD Jim Beam coma and about to choke to death on her own vomit. Thankfully, security turns up, and doesn’t take ‘fuck off’ for an answer and carries out the dead girl. Except she opens her eyes and she’s not dead, but she doesn’t look to be “fine” and has a vacant look in her eyes, but that may also just be due to burned retinas.
At this point Amy’s sung a pretty decent selection of songs, some of which are the same songs her band is playing. Her acoustic songs are actually really good and free of sound problems. She then breaks into a song and the crowd goes wild. It’s a cover. Of Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus. Easily her most popular song of the night, except it’s not actually her song. Awkward. But whatever, it’s a great song.
At one point Amy introduces the next song and says it’s called “Never Coming Back” and Lee looks at me and says “and that’s exactly what I’ll be doing”. I laugh so hard, that weird sort of convulsing laugh where people behind me must wonder what the fuck is going on and if I’m doing some sort of interpretive dance or have had whatever drugs dead/fine girl had and they are going to need to carry me out, but I don’t collapse, and instead get tears in my eyes from laughing so hard and it temporarily puts out the eyeball fire I’ve got going on which is a massive win. ✊🏽
We’re now close to the end of the set, and Amy politely explains that she’s about to go off, but that she’ll come back on stage after we cheer her name for a bit, and play two of her most popular songs. One of which is Adored and I don’t know what the other one was. And neither do the people who leave because they’re not there to hear it. But we stay cause we’re not quitters. And I actually genuinely can’t see well enough to drive because all i can see is glowy bits every time i blink so we wait a bit then leave and laugh about how much fun we had even though the show sucked a bit. As we walk down the street, I ask two women what they thought of the show and they say they loved it so I guess it was actually probably really great and we’re just fucking assholes but whatever.
Sputnik
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