A woman friend of mine (sorry to differentiate, but it’s relevant), just told me that she’d only seen a grand total of three of her male friends post something supportive about the Eurydice Dixon rape and murder and, by extension, domestic violence against women, by men. (Even though yes, we understand that specific crime, wasn’t specifically DV.)
That to me is mind boggling, although I also understand sometimes people simply don’t know what to post, and for fear of getting it ‘wrong’, don’t post anything at all. I basically never delete anything I post, but even I deleted my first post on the subject when it all started to take a bit of an unexpected turn.
So while I may not be the most educated, knowledgeable person on the subject, here’s my advice to men:
1. I personally think it’s really important we post/say something about the issue of domestic violence in general. Saying nothing, even though this is only social media, seems to represent indifference. So if you get the opportunity, say something about how unacceptable it is to you. Say something to let them know you’re listening. You don’t have to know how to solve the problem, but don’t be silent. Silence is deadly.
2. Don’t be defensive. Women are saying “men are the problem” and they’re right. They know not all men are the problem, and ideally they’d differentiate somehow, but most of the time they don’t, so they go with “men”. You don’t need to say “Not all men” to defend and differentiate yourself, by saying “I agree” you are defending and differentiating yourself. Let it slide. Now is not the time to get too caught up on wording.
3. If I tried hard enough, or was clever enough, I’d say there was likely an acronym or something we could use as a guideline, but for now, all I can think of is these words: Listen. Believe. Support. Campaign. Say something.
4. Do some research. Look up the statistics so that you truly understand the enormity of the problem. The stats vary a little from source to source, but one thing that doesn’t vary is how many women are being assaulted, and killed, every week at the hands of men – usually men they know. As I’ve heard it explained, way more women are being killed by men each year, than Australians are being killed by terrorists, and yet our response to terrorism is enormous, and our response to domestic violence seems to be… nothing at all.
(This is a start:
https://www.whiteribbon.org.au/…/domestic-violence-statist…/
https://www.aihw.gov.au/…/family-domestic-…/contents/summary
http://www.abc.net.au/…/landmark-report-reveals-ext…/9492026
http://www.crimestats.aic.gov.au/NHMP/ )
5. If you’re really not sure what to post, ask a woman. The stats suggest there’s not a single woman in Australia who hasn’t experienced what we’re talking about on some level, or at the very least, doesn’t know someone who has. So just ask. Take the time to have a conversation with them and understand and ask THEM what you can say or write to be supportive.
6. This is a tricky one for some people… but be aware of the conversations that are being had around you by your mates. Are people making jokes about it? There are no ‘harmless jokes’ about rape and murder and violence against women. What we know, and I’ll say this out loud, is that many of us grew up in an era where it was seemingly OK to make jokes that were casually racist or sexist or in other ways discriminatory. We’ve all heard the old “An American, an Irishman and an Australian walks into a bar…” type jokes and so on. We know that some people can completely contextualise a joke like this as harmless. We all know that some people think political correctness has gone mad by saying we shouldn’t say things like this any more. But we also know these casual comments and jokes, sometimes normalise certain beliefs and behaviours with SOME people. And because we don’t know who those people are specifically, we need to ALL not say them, so we don’t inadvertently contribute to creating an environment where someone might think we’re OK with things like racism or violence against women. If you think that makes you a bit hard done by, if you think the price you pay by not being able to tell a ‘harmless joke’ is too high, consider the price women pay every week. If not telling a joke, or letting someone else’s comment slide, could make even one person’s life safer, is that not a fair price to pay? So listen. To what others say, and what you yourself say. Understand that sometimes, even though I talk about how important intent is, that having no bad intent doesn’t mean you don’t contribute to creating a bad outcome.
7. If you don’t know what to say when a woman expresses her anger or grief or outrage, just say “I can’t imagine what it must be like for you. I’m sorry.” You don’t have to be apologising for something YOU did, you can just apologise for what people of your own gender are doing.
8. Do not fucking DARE saying “well sometimes women attack men as well”. That’s just asking for trouble. We ALL know all kinds of violence are a problem, But also all know the problem of violence against women is about five times what it is the other way around. We all know the majority of homicide’s committed in Australia against men or women are committed by men. Don’t also go with the “oh maybe those numbers aren’t accurate because men don’t report all incidents” because neither do women. Which means the problem they face is even greater than what we know.
Remember, I just made all these up. I haven’t really been able to find a list of advice for what men should do right now. I think we’re supposed to just magically know. But we don’t. So if you’re a woman who read this far down, please, please understand, we’re all pretty clueless what to do or say at these times. Please, please cut us some slack if we get it wrong. We want to help, we really do, sometimes we just don’t know how.
Be awesome to each other. 
Originally posted on Facebook 18 June, 2018.
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