All good stories have an unexpected plot twist in them, that part you simply didn’t see coming. Like in Dusk til Dawn when all of a sudden there’s vampires and what the actual fuck? (Sorry, no spoiler alert cause if you haven’t seen it by now tough shit. Also, Darth is Luke’s dad.)
But even I was blind-sided from behind when well known ‘serial pest’, source of much hilarity, and all round shit human, ‘Durianrider’ saw the light – and not just the pavement from really, really close up – and decided to change his ways, citing me as his inspiration.
Durianrider watching his life flash before his eyes. And I would imagine not being very impressed. Also, violence is bad(ish).
(NOTE: I do not condone violence. With a few exceptions. Like maybe when it’s against ISIS and other terrorists – where it’s defined as “a person who uses unlawful violence and intimidation, especially against civilians”.)
To be fair, he hasn’t exactly stated that he’s my number one fan in quite so many words. But I think we can all agree facts are irrelevant, and we can just use DRL (Durianrider Rumour Logic) here. You know, where you can just say whatever you want, as long as you start or finish it with “are the rumors true?”.
Unlike certain coward, terrorist, shit at life humans, I can, however, offer some actual, undeniable(ish) proof.
First of all, there was that very reliable source who may or may not be the person who also told durianrider about my criminal record that, like my criminal record, doesn’t actually exist, who told me personally “Durianrider wishes he was you. He literally wants to be you. Maybe even in you. You’re everything he wishes he could be. Except fat like a bloated albino walrus. He doesn’t want to be that.”
He said that about me and I don’t think it’s very nice. Accurate, perhaps, but not nice.
You see, after being stalked, abused and coward attacked (let’s not use the word ‘trolled’ for all the same reasons we don’t call a ‘king hit’ a ‘king hit’ anymore. It’s a coward act, right?) by Durianrider quite publicly recently, I wrote a blog about it. We spoke on the phone and he asked me multiple times to take it down. Which was pretty fucking excellent by the way. Mostly because I didn’t. Since then, he’s clearly had a change of heart.
You see, in that blog, I talk about how great social media is but how it can also be dangerous. After having had some time to think about his own actions, Durianrider has now come on board and has repeated my sentiments, word for word, give or take, in his own video. And how good is it when someone sees the error of their ways?
Sputnik: “I still find it (social media) magical and miraculous and amazing and wonderful in so many ways – both personally and professionally. But we also know it can be the exact opposite as well.”
Durianrider: “Social media is an amazing tool. A true technological gift. But can also cause a lot of problems for a lot of people.”
Amen brother. High five.
I call it ‘Integrity Chasing’. You may not have heard of it. Don’t worry, a week ago I’d not heard of ‘Clout Chasing’ until Durianrider explained it to me. It’s apparently when you do shit things to someone with clout, so you can get a bit of rub-off exposure, and it’s something he has previously described doing to gain followers and click bait revenue. At first I thought that’s why he was creepy coward stalking me, until thankfully he assured me I was a “nobody” and had no clout worth chasing. Phew, I can’t tell you what a relief that was.
Describing the size of his… integrity.
It’s only now I realise what he was actually chasing was integrity. Which is fair enough when you’re getting desperate for some sort of cred, any sort of cred really, because in an increasingly connected world people are mostly just feeling bad for, and pissing themselves laughing at people who do shit things like:
– Do funny “come on kill me” performances in videos, (if you’re having a bad day, be sure to watch this excellent performance. Better than Caddyshack. And it will help you be grateful that no matter how bad things are for you right now, they could be worse. You could be him.)
– Make up rumors to discredit people (I’ve suggested multiple times he report me to the police for the long list the things I’m supposed to have done. He even assured me he had reported me, but so far no po po. Also, as a pre-emptive defense, I did not kill JFK or buy any Delta Goodrem records*.)
I’m basically Ronnie Biggs now. On the run from the law. One day they’ll make a film out of it.
I’m basically the worst fugitive ever. 30+ years my name has been Sputnik no one’s gonna have much trouble tracking me down.
– Revert to discriminatory slurs about my sexuality (You know you’re scraping the bottom of the slur barrel when you get down to ‘gay rumours’ which is clearly worse than everything else I’d been accused of. I mean, who’d want to be gay? Eeek! Also, I do not have a smelly bum** just in case that’s next!)
– School yard fat shaming taunts. (Who doesn’t love a self professed fitness professional fat shaming someone on a public post? Or maybe it’s just the same sort of tough love he showed when he taunted a domestic violence victim for being a ‘doormat’ in the interest of helping her out? I mean what a fucking guy. Tony Robbins watch out. Shit, perhaps I should be paying for this super helpful advice?)
So now it’s all become clear. What Durianrider actually wants is a good reputation. Some honest and integrity. And maybe a big hug. I mean, it must be pretty terrible being so universally fucking loathed. What’s a guy in his shoes to do? Integrity Chase. Obviously.
Getting a hug from one of his many fans last weekend.
I feel for him, I really do. His videos contain no actual intelligence or talent, and no actual content of anything worthwhile and instead rely almost exclusively on stolen observations and toxicity towards others, as well as the odd ogle and objectification of his partner’s behind – because we all know how creative and hilarious objectifying women is, nudge nudge, wink wink – so it’s little wonder my content confuses him so much he thinks I can’t actually have created it myself.
Actual screenshot of an actual video… i did NOT superimpose that creepy guy on there saying “nice”. It’s there. In the original video. Because objectification is excellent. Apparently.
It seems it’s been a surprise to him that people can actually have creative talent, and integrity, and be liked. Who can blame him? All foreign concepts, poor bugger.
The concept is so novel, he’s started to become, well, let’s be honest, me. He’s already repeating my sentiments, has stopped stalking me under his own name and now only uses a fake account – hey, it’s progress – and who knows, before long maybe we’ll see some bird photography? (Feathered kind please mate, we’ve all seen more than enough of you exploiting your girlfriend for clicks thanks very much.)
When people who don’t have Coward Accounts (AKA ‘troll accounts’) use a Coward Account to attack you from behind when you’re just minding your own business.
All I know is it’s been a real privilege to be part of such a transformation, making the world a better place, one ex-stalker abuser coward terrorist at a time.
Durianrider, I believe in you. You’ve got this.
* I may have streamed a few Delta songs. And I am secretly a bit in love with her. But not in a creepy way.
** Sometimes I might.
NOTE: Please don’t watch his videos. He makes money when you do. Also, they’re shit.
