[6 minute read] I recently saw a man attempt to contribute to an online conversation about gender issues. There’s no real need to go into what he had to say, suffice to say it loosely fit into the ‘not all men’ category. (If you really want to see it, I’ve included it down below.) Although in his case, it was the ‘not all footballers’ variation. It’s important to note, he wasn’t being openly antagonistic about it, it appeared to me at least, as if he genuinely intended to contribute in what he thought was a reasonable way. I’m no mind reader, but you can usually tell the difference between a dickhead trouble maker, and someone who’s just headed in the wrong direction.
What followed was, sadly, a complete character assassination of the man who had dared to contribute in what was deemed an inappropriate matter.
“Fucking mansplainer”, “We don’t give a fuck what he thinks”, “We’re not here to educate, placate, simper at, or suck up to cocknosed fucking men”, “Daniel is an ignorant twat”, and my personal fave… “Fuck off Daniel, and when you get there, fuck off again” – which even I have to admit, is a pretty epic burn.
To give this context, it was in an environment where it was always going to be optimistic that his contribution was going to be valued.
After seeing the tirade unleashed against him, it got me thinking: even if we all agree Daniel probably should have shut the fuck up, or at the very least, worded things very, very differently, how the fuck is Daniel supposed to know that?
If you’re a woman, the answer to that question may seem obvious. As a man, it’s not.
Probably somewhat stupidly, I offered the following thoughts:
I followed your page a little while ago, because I thought it was interesting and enlightening and educational and important, even though in truth I felt like a bit of an interloper. An intruder. Because I’m a bloke. But I’m also the kind of bloke who accepts blokes are the problem, so I persisted.
Even earlier today, when I saw this post, I just thought, you know, just drift off. Don’t say anything. This issue is too important, too sensitive and too emotive and you’re not the right person, not the right gender, to comment. And if you do… well, we can all see what happens then.
Regardless of that, as an older bloke, I’d like to offer this gentle perspective. And yes, I’m a man, so perhaps it’s a manspective and it’s not welcome here. But I offer it, because I want to help solve the problem of gender inequality and violence against women. So perhaps as a man I need to take a few hits to do that.
As a man, and an older one at that, it’s been a very long time since I’ve had any ‘education’ to speak of. I grew up in the world that created all the issues we have now. When the issues we have now were, (and sadly still are), ‘normal’. I grew up with all the ‘boys will be boys’ and ‘harmless jokes’ defences. So it’s actually been really difficult for me to re-learn all that stuff. Not because I’m a worthless shitbag, but because we’re all, to a certain extent, for better or for worse, creations of our environment. And mine was that.
What I do know, is that for things to change, it’s not the women who need to change, it’s us blokes. It’s blokes like Daniel. He may not even know what mansplaining is, because to a lot of blokes, it’s just ‘explaining’. And of course, his explanation, is valid. I’ve learned, with some difficulty, that I don’t need to say things like ‘not all men’ and how problematic that is. But I didn’t inherit that knowledge through osmosis. My parents, one of whom is no longer with us, didn’t and couldn’t have taught me. It didn’t seep into my DNA the way birds know how to fly north for winter. And unsurprisingly, I didn’t learn it from other men. I learned it from women. Women like you. Women who despite having no obligation to do so, despite having a million better things to do, despite being rightfully frustrated and angry about this shit, took time to educate me in stuff there is literally no other way I could learn. Some of them did it indirectly, by writing articles and sharing articles that I could see and learn from. While some of them did it directly with conversations. And in doing so, they created an… ally. They created change. Because if it’s the men that have to change, they have to learn why what they’re doing is problematic – because what seems obvious to you from your side of the fence, isn’t always obvious to the people doing it.
So yeah, this is your space to share your ideas in your own way. And that is to be respected. I sure do hope Daniel, and men like him who could be great allies, who could be on your side and push for change, and be the change you want to see, if they’re given a bit of a nudge in the right direction, aren’t completely alienated for trying to contribute and being given a nudge off the edge of a cliff instead. Not because their comments aren’t misplaced. But because you can see the difference between someone with a consciously negative agenda, and someone who expresses his views, no matter how fucked up you think they are, and gets crucified for it.
As men, we’ve fucked up so very many things that you want us to change and fix. How we treat people, for example. I sure do hope women can do better than we did in that department.
There’s literally no place for men to learn this stuff. If you were to ask my personal beliefs, I’d say literally every man in Australia should have to sit a test on this stuff. And no, I’m not fucking kidding. If we can ask every single Australian what they think of Same Sex Marriage, we could make every single man answer 10 or 20 multiple choice questions about this subject. Because for all sorts of reasons, be it generational, background, education, culture or any other number of contributing factors, it’s entirely reasonable to assume there are plenty of men out there with wildly differing ideas of what is and isn’t ok. Of where ‘the line’ is. You know, that imaginary line that sounds like it should be very visible and obvious, but actually isn’t.
The sad truth is, for all sorts of reasons, plenty of men still don’t understand what constitutes ‘violence’ against women. Plenty of men still don’t understand what constitutes ‘consent’. And plenty of men still don’t understand what constitutes ‘rape’. Not everyone will instantly alter their behavior based on knowledge, of course. I can be optimistic and naive at times, but I’m not that optimistic and naive. But if some do, then that’s more than none. And it’s a start.
We can talk about how important education on these subjects at school is, but that leaves an awful lot of men out there in the community who still don’t know this stuff.
So this isn’t me as a man telling you as a woman to educate. This isn’t me as a man telling you as a woman to do anything at all. What you do with that information is up to you.
Be awesome to each other.
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