You know shit’s fucked up when a guy with tattoos of I’m not even sure what on his face, and nor will I be asking, decides to sue someone. Mr Teamo which is a bit like Ti Amo but also probably not, is suining the people who run the prison he’s in because he got beaten up by someone weilding a sandwich press. Not an iron bar. Not a good old fashioned shiv. But a fucking Breville Toasty Toasty. And you know what? Fair enough, because a fucking Toasty Maker? They’re for making good old fashioned cheesey toasties, not trying to murder bikies. He’s now claiming “$500,000 in future impairment to his earning capacity” and mate, you’ve got face tattoos and there’s no way you’re earning that much at JBHiFi.
It seems the guys at a different prison know Toasties aren’t legit murder weapons and instead prefer… bed linen. And hang on a minute, what the fuck is going on in our prisons when kitchen appliances and manchester are the weapons of choice? Apparently the motive was the victim saying something in jest to the killer the day before, and my prison time is somewhat limited, (technically I’ve never been in jail, just a brig – but that’s a story for another day), but I’m just gonna hang it out there that if you’re in prison with people who kill people, you might want to make sure your jokes are funny. Turns out he lured the victim into the laundry by offering him a massage, and let’s also file that under ‘Fuck No’ when you’re in prison. Big ups to the judge who has said the parole board ‘will need to think long and hard” about releasing him and yes, please fucking do that.
Then there were the two teenagers who got caught clinging to the back of a bus, and their penalty was to be barred from public transport for a few months, and wait, from legally going on transport, through the actual door and having an actual seat? Something tells me, this ban misses the point.
Double backing to prison news, there’s the guy who’s been jailed for 19 months for his choice of tattoo. This nut bag has a swastika on his, well, nut bag. You’d think the nut bag nazi who went for the scrotum swastika would have been able to keep it under wraps, but nope, got pinched after he bragged to his mates about it and posted some little hitler dick pics online. You might be tempted to think maybe the person who did the tattoo may have come forward when it all got too hard, but no it was his brother and what. the actual. fuck. I played backyard cricket and footy as ball games with my brother, and what the fuck is going on over there in Austria?
We’ve also seen a couple of pretty epic whale tales this week… some saw those whale tails close up. First there was the story of the 18 year old kid who is seriously fucked up, which is no joke, after a whale breached on his face while they were on a boat. Thankfully, our other story has a much happy ending after a bloke ended up in the mouth of a whale that doesn’t swallow. Michael, a lobsterman from New England, was doing lobsterman things in the water when he unexpectedly found himself in a whale’s mouth. Easy enough to do apparently and probably the very definition of ‘unexpected’. One of his mates reckons the whale “was almost certainly as surprised as the diver” and I seriously fucking doubt that.
Politically, Big Clive Palmer and the WA premier Mark McGowan are fucking going at it in court and you’re gonna think I’m making this shit up. Clive, who pretty much everyone except for Israel Folau hates because he’s an arrogant cockwomble whose only real redeeming feature is his bank balance, reckons McGowan was mean to him and “brought (him) into hatred, ridicule and contempt” and fuck, you had that covered all on your own Clive. He reckons he had his feelings hurt and wait, is that a crime now? Keep in mind Clive did sue the WA government for $30billion over border closures so I reckon he’s not on too many government christmas card lists. McGowan, who is counter suing, has a slightly better case saying he’s been compared to Adolf Hitler and Saddam Husein by Clive and fuck Clive, you are kidding yourself aren’t you?
While we’re talking defamation, let’s not forget Christian Porter is still butt hurt that the ABC reported he was being accused of rape by someone because he was being accused of rape by someone. He didn’t win, but is acting like he did. Asked for his legal fees to be reduced and didn’t win that either. If he’s innocent, I actually feel bad for him, but he’s been a massive wanker about the whole thing so meh.
I know talking about murder is never a laughing matter, but did you see the guy who killed a few people in the UK because a demon told him he’d win the lottery if he did and no, he didn’t even get the supplementary number. He’s denied doing it, but police found a note of “agreement” between him and the demon, along with a couple of lottery tickets, signed in blood. And mate, I’m no detective but I reckon you did it and you’re fucked in the head. No, you’re not winning the Mega Millions Super Jackpot, you’re going off in the divvy van. As the boys in blue have said “As it turned out, the demon did not come good on the bargain, since not only did the defendant not win the lottery but the police identified all the evidence that links him to these two murders” and I fucking love it when cops are hilarious. No doubt this fuckwit will sue someone for breach of contract because suing people for stuff seems to be the done thing these days. (Sidenote: Who the fuck writes a contract with the devil on a fucking divider? Surely such a thing warrants proper stationery?)
Closer to home, Geoffo Edelsten passed away this week and it reminded me of the time I was in the Daily Mail hanging out with his wife and that’s all I’ve got to say about that.
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