Fuck. Me. If ever there was a time where I’d quite like to read some news that isn’t about you know fucking what, this is it. So let’s go.
We might have some of the world’s most livable cities here in Australia, but around the world we’re apparently also famous for having some of the most marry-able twin sisters and sorry, but what? It seems I’ve not only missed the fact there’s a show called ‘Extreme Sisters’ in the US, but that you can marry sisters and seriously people, what the fuck? I try not to be judgey judgey because it’s got fuck all to do with me, so two wives, OK, yeah, sure. But sisters? And twins? Surely that officially qualifies as what the actual fuck?
I know I said I was gonna steer away from bad news, but I was personally pretty devo’d to discover birds aren’t real. Probably not as devo’d as the birds themselves who thought they’d been flying around a spherical earth, and birds. not. real. Used to be real, but the government has apparently replaced them all with surveillance drones, and I want to call bullshit, but after the last 18 months I’m open to this. Which would make me looking at birds looking at me, very Inception. They’ve been having rallies across America, (the Birds Aren’t Real people, not the birds, that I know of, but maybe) and as Old Mate Pete the leader of the movement explains, “The evidence is all around us – birds sit on power lines, we believe they’re charging on the power lines”. And fuck I hope this turns out to be a great new Sacha Baron Cohen movie.
Lego have announced that after 150 engineers and scientists working on the problem for more than three years, they’ve come up with a more environmentally friendly Lego block made from recycled plastic bottles. Which is a pretty big deal when you consider research shows Lego blocks take between 100 and 1,300 years to disintegrate – probably to be ingested by fish as microplastic that we then eat and, fuck me, it’s all bad news isn’t it? And even making them from old bottles won’t actually solve that problem, right? Perhaps those engineers and scientists can now turn their attention to making a block that doesn’t hurt like fuck when you step on it.
Speaking of science and research, there’s been some done into what’s driving our unhealthy food habits and I could have saved them a shit tonne of time and effort on this one: shit food tastes fucking amazing. Also, Extra chewing gum is not at the top of anyone’s list of guilty pleasures. Not even Liz Smylie’s.
I don’t know about you, but sometimes I go to the shops to pick up a few bits and pieces and end up with more than I planned. Like yesterday when I was supposed to buy something healthy for dinner and somehow ended up with a packet of white TimTams as well. But I’ve never overspent by a few billion dollars like the NSW government have on their motorway project thing. To be fair, I’ve never built a motorway before (although I did used to put together some pretty mean matchbox car tracks and it’s basically the same thing, right?) and when I spend money it’s my own so I tend to be a bit more careful with it.
Locally, one of our political parties is onto something I reckon, by promising to put money into health instead of the Riverbank Arena which, actually seems like a pretty good promise to make even though we all know they’ll break it because politicians. Maybe we could compromise and have a dual purpose hospital/arena so when pandemics hit and we can’t have concerts we can just use it as a big hospital? You’re welcome. There could be a single direction, reversible road to get there and it would be easily as good an idea as the pop up lights at Adelaide Oval. Oh, wait…
Can’t go past a quick bit of Olympic news… including the story about the runner who got banned from the Tokyo Olypmics for eating a burrito and look, I’m not saying it’s not true, but I am saying if you’re gonna get banned for something, eating a burrito isn’t the worst way to go. Michael Jackson might have blamed it on the boogie, but Houlihan blames it in the burrito.
And then there’s Sun Yang, dubbed ‘the Harry Houdini of doping’, who will be missing the Tokyo Olympics for being a shitcunt drug cheat and mate, suck shit.
And finally, I know I said I wasn’t gonna do any stories about you know what, so I’m not, but that’s her real leg, legit no shit, and I can’t. stop. staring. Not in a creepy way. Just a holy fuck I can barely bend down to do up my shoelaces these days and is the human body even meant to do that? I think fucking not.
