When is a marathon not a marathon?

Before I was a bit fatter and a bit older, completing the Adelaide Marathon in a not too shabby time the old fashioned way – by actually doing the whole thing in one hit, on the actual day of the event.

No, it’s not a joke. There’s no punch line. Or maybe there is. Let me explain.

But first, let me backtrack just a fraction.

I always remember chatting to a musician friend of mine who once explained “There’s a reason it’s called the ‘Music Business’. Because there’s the ‘Music’, and then there’s the ‘Business’”. And I suppose the same can be said of the ‘Running Industry’ these days. There’ll always be running, in its purest, simplest form – where you just get out there and run. And then there’s the business of running – the gear, the races, the… bling.

Yes, I’m going there. Again.

Because how can I fucking not?

Bling is one of those incredibly polarising topics. The mere mention of the word is enough to get some people’s heart rate monitors bursting. Some people couldn’t give a fuck about bling. While others want it for running to the letterbox to get the mail. And I suppose, there’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ time someone should get bling.

Well, until now, that is.

You see, some things are sacred. Or at least, should be. Selling a ‘marathon’ medal, a medal designed to recognise the achievements of someone who trained for (possibly) and turned up and completed an actual marathon, surely should be a no-go zone. Surely we can all agree on that?

Apparently not.

Virtual races are nothing new. So if you want to award a medal for virtually anything, I’m down with that. Make up your own rules. Give a medal away. Fuck, give away a car Oprah-style if you like. You get a car, you get a car… everyone gets a car! All good.

But when you take the medal that was awarded to the 448 people who completed the Adelaide Marathon, the people who turned up, ran and finished an actual marathon, literally ran or even walked, 42.2kms, in one hit, on the day of the actual event, to earn their medal, and fire sale the left over medals to anyone with $35 and an ability to stroll a few KMs a day, surely you’re just taking the fucking piss?

Because that’s what’s happening right now.

Please know, and let me be clear, I have no problems with virtual marathons. Well, that’s not entirely true, I think they’re a bit lame, actually, but if someone wants to give you a medal for covering 42kms over the course of a month, at your leisure, that’s your, and their business, I suppose. It’s still a bit of a slap in the face to the notion of a marathon if you ask me, but you didn’t, so whatever.

But if you get to the end of an event, have a few left over medals and wonder what you should do with them, the answer should never be “Hey, I’ve got a great idea, let’s sell them!”. Because selling them is not a great idea. It’s a fucking terrible, embarrassing, excruciatingly fucking idiotic idea. And it’s completely and utterly insulting to the 448 people who didn’t just trot a few KMs out whenever the fuck they felt like it, but covered the entire distance in one hit, on a specific day, whether they felt like it or not, to complete the actual event that medal is actually for. Surely that idea isn’t that complicated?

Now, if all you care about is money, then making a few extra bucks off hocking some left over medals, is probably genius. What’s going to happen to them otherwise? Landfill? That’s also a bit fucked up and not environmentally friendly at all. But selling them? So that someone who never ran the Adelaide Marathon can have an Adelaide Marathon medal to show for their non-effort? Oh, come. The fuck. On.

Can you imagine Boston Marathon doing that? New York? Melbourne? Literally anywhere other than Adelaide? Exactly.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

According to the the website, the “Entry fee is $35 with $15 donated straight to Arthritis SA, the remainder of the fee covers the cost of the admin and fees associated with posting the medal to you.” And hey, Arthritis SA is an excellent cause, so raising money for good causes gets the big thumbs up from me as well. But hey, a fucking sausage sizzle would be a cracking idea. Selling left over medals is not. And as for the rest of the fee that overs and “admin and fees” when what hey really mean is the cost of the actual medal and a few bucks worth of stamps? That’s not “admin and fees” is it? That’s “The remainder of the fee covers the cost of the Adelaide Marathon medal you’re buying for not running the Adelaide Marathon and postage”. As the old saying goes, “Never bullshit a bullshitter” and I’m calling bullshit on that description.

Sometimes I have to decide whether I call certain things out. Whether I save my energy for the bigger, more important issues than what a business that used to be about runners and running, is doing. But running is still close to my heart. And if the management of a club can’t see how ridiculous and insulting this is to the actual Adelaide Marathon runners, and the board can’t see how ridiculous and insulting it is to the actual Adelaide Marathon runners, then maybe someone somewhere needs to remind them what running a fucking marathon is actually all about. (Hello. That’s me!) 🙂 )

Marathons: Dedication. Commitment. Achievement. And, possibly at the end of 42.2kms completed in one hit, a bit of bling. Or as my mate Graham once found out, a drink bottle.

When Pheidippides was asked to run a message about the defeat of the Persians 42.2kms from the town of Marathon to Athens, you know what he didn’t do? He didn’t take his fucking time and do it over a month. Stop a few places along the way. Eat some olives. Pat some sheep. Grab some sleep. No, he did it in one fucking hit. And that’s why a marathon is an actual fucking marathon, and why selling actual event marathon medals to people who didn’t actually run it is a fucking embarrassing joke.

Sputnik.