6hr Uni Loop Run Report

After my last few races I’ve done little race reports to keep you mildly entertained and give you some insights into the wonderful world of running, and when I decided to do the 6hr Uni Loop event yesterday I figured it would be another good opportunity to do that, but as usual, I was pretty fucking wrong.

I signed up fairly last minute (a couple of days prior) on a bit of a whim. I know most people buy shoes on a whim, or maybe that picnic bar at the impulse rack at the checkout, I do 6hr races. Because I’m a fuckhead.

All jokes aside, there were three or four reasons I decided to do this race and all of them are because I’m a fuckhead. Plus, I haven’t run as much as usual this year, so instead of accepting I haven’t run as much as usual and that I’m not in marathon shape because I can barely bash out a half marathon, I thought running laps of the uni loop for 6hrs would be a good opportunity to prove what I already knew – that I am not in marathon shape. See above re being a fuckhead.

So anyway, for those of you who don’t know, the uni loop is a 2.2km running track and in this event you run laps in one direction for a while, then you turn around and run the other way for a while, then you turn around and run the other way for a while. Then you spew for a while and die. Or maybe that’s just me?

I did this event last year with my rainbow flag and managed to crack 50kms so even though I’m not in as good a shape, I of course set exactly the same goal. And you know that saying “don’t be upset with the results you didn’t get from the training you didn’t do”? Yeah, that.

When I first arrived there was a rock star park right near the starting line and I took this to be a good omen in the same way I was hopelessly optimistic enough to think I was gonna run 50kms and that my last relationship was going to last.

The start had a weird sort of staggered starting grid so that we didn’t stand too close to each other, which was genius, because as soon as we took off we all just bunched up anyway, but not for long as we all found our own pace. I overtook a few people to find my own space and pace, and it was pretty much the last time I overtook anyone for the next six hours.

I actually had a pretty good couple of hours bashing out about 20kms. Even though it was overcast, it was actually a pretty warm morning. But tougher than the weather was watching a bunch of fucking kids do their interval training on the same track we were racing on. So they’re doing their 200m sprints at whatever the fuck pace super fit 14 year old sprinters run at, while we’re plodding along trying to pace ourselves to run for six hours and seriously, fuck those people.

And if you think 6hrs is dumb, there was also a 12hr event and a bunch of them were lapping me like they were doing half laps and fuck those people as well. Actually, that’s not true, there were two or three particular people who were always so friendly and supportive every time they passed me (which was a lot) so thumbs up to you my friends. But fuck everyone else.

I spent most of the first hour running with David Mitchell who entered even later than I did and we killed some time by me telling stories about some of the people in the running community I’d upset over the years and the ensuing chaos and honestly, I could have done the 12hour event and still not had enough time to do that. We leap frogged on and off for the next five hours and i checked the results last night and he ended up beating me so fuck him as well.

I also ran with a guy who was telling me how he would get quite bad cramps for not drinking enough when he ran and i said “Well, I’m not a medical doctor but…” and he completed the sentence by saying that he WAS a medical doctor and note to self, do not go to see him as a doctor.

When the wheels started falling off I did that thing where you step on the end of a small branch and the other end of it lifts up and stabs you in the other foot and that pretty much summed up the rest of my day.

For anyone who knows me, you’ll know I sweat like Rolf Harris at a Wiggles concert when I run, so I was trying to be super disciplined about drinking enough but simply couldn’t take enough fluid on. Without skipping to the end with a spoiler alert, I drank at least 4 or 5 litres of fluid (that means taking on 4 or 5 kgs of drink) and still weighed in 5kgs lighter at the end of it all and do the fucking math. That’s more sweat than that a la la la la long song about sweat by Inner Circle. Or maybe that C&C Music Factory one. Yeah, that one for sure.

A couple of times I got passed by a guy with ‘The most beautiful marathon in the world’ on the back of his t-shirt but because he was going so fast I never did get to find out what marathon that was. Anyone?

Some other funny stuff probably happened but honestly, I can’t remember any of it because all I can really remember is chucking up behind some trees some time in the 4th hour. Then chucking up behind some more trees a few times after that. How the garden waste recycling area we had to pass every lap smelled worse than I did. And chucking up behind my car at the end. Before going home and chucking up in the shower. Then laying in bed feeling sorry for myself for about 8 hours before I could even keep some hydrolite down and fuck. this. running. thing.

I had this idea that I’d shoot a video every hour as a check in and as you’ll see they get progressively shorter as I get progressively slower and greener, and fuck. this. running. thing.