The human defined season of spring may have started about a month ago, but natural, mother nature’s spring really kicked in this week when she was good and ready, with some glorious sunny days. So I’ve taken the opportunity to ditch the car and ride my bike to work these past few days.

I’m lucky enough to live right on a river, (not literally on a house boat or anything, I’m about 200m away), where there’s a pathway that goes all the way into the city without needing to ride on any roads which, theoretically at least, makes it a much safer commute.

My total journey is almost 14kms, and with the exception of the last 600m where I need to pop up onto civilisation and run the gauntlet of bike hating motorists to the office, I manage to travel in relative safety. Except here’s what I’ve learned: Literally everyone hates cyclists, even other cyclists.

Let me explain.

The pedestrians who use the pathway hate cyclists because, presumably we go too fast and are annoying and dangerous and ruin their peaceful pedestrian experience.

The majority of pedestrians hate it when you follow protocol and ring your bell to let them know you’re coming because they think it’s like beeping your car horn at them and that you’re being rude and telling them to get the fuck out of the way, which in fairness, you sometimes are.

The majority of pedestrians hate it if you don’t ring your bell because you don’t give them any warning you’re coming up to pass.

Pedestrians walking their dogs on leads hate cyclists because they have to pay attention to their dog and maybe even reel them in for a fraction of a second and why should I even have to do that?

Pedestrians walking their dogs off their leads hate cyclists because they’re worried you’ll hit their dog and hello, my dog should be able to go wherever it wants and I’m pretty sure these are also the people who let their dogs shit everywhere and either don’t pick it up, or pick it up, put it in one of those dog shit bags, then throw the dog shit bag on the ground when no one’s looking and these people can fuck right off.

Pedestrians walking their dogs talking to other pedestrians walking their dogs standing in the middle of the fucking path hate it when you want to ride through and act like you’re riding through their fucking loungeroom and maybe I bloody will one day and then you’ll really have something to complain about.

Fast cyclists who treat the pathway as their own personal velodrome hate slow cyclists (like me) who get in their way. They especially hate it when you’re not far enough over to the left for them to pass easily because you don’t know they’re coming because they don’t have a fucking bell on their bike like they’re fucking supposed to but they’re too cool to have a bell and fuck you.

The local birdlife hate cyclists for often no apparent reason. Perhaps it’s the same with pedestrians and dogs. And motorists.

Because yes, motorists hate cyclist merely for being alive and daring to share the roads with them because we don’t pay insurance and don’t have registration plates because that would make fuck all difference to anything really but I am angry so don’t try your logic on me.

In fairness, I’ve realised that as a cyclist, I hate almost everyone else as well.

I hate pedestrians who don’t know to stay left when I want to ride past them.

I especially hate pedestrians who have their headphones on and can’t hear you coming even if you ding your bell seven thousand times then act like you’re Jaymes Todd when you take them by surprise coming up behind them.

I hate people walking their dogs on a lead when they stand on one side of the path and the dog decides to stand on the other side and you have to bunny hop the lead because what the actual fuck am I supposed to do now because I can’t bunny hop for shit?

I hate people walking their dogs off the lead when everyone thinks their dog is the best behaved dog in the world and would never run out in front of a bike and they’re all dead wrong because dogs can be really smart, they can also be man’s best friend, but usually with the exception of men on bikes and then dogs can be absolute cunts.

I hate fast cyclists who are too cool for school. And bells. And their warning that they’re about to pass you at twice the speed of sound is a mostly unintelligible grunt when it’s already too late and you’re left to mumble a ’sorry’ they won’t hear because they’re already home and having dinner by the time you catch your breath enough to say it.

I hate cyclists riding those fucking eBikes because it all looks so effortless and they’re fucking cheating and I want one but they’re expensive.

And, of course, I hate the motorists who don’t give a flying fuck that they’re inside a tonne of solid metal while you’re flesh and bone on a wing and prayer and is it seriously that hard to not kill me or even just indicate properly even though I’m not in a car and fuck you.

But I don’t hate the birds. Because birds rule. But I do hate the bugs that fly into my mouth when I’m riding because that is so fucking gross.

 

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