Why ‘vanity metrics’ are fucking bullshit.

In recent times I’ve seen quite a few people in the business and marketing bubble say “oh, but people are talking about it so it must be working”. What a load of shit. This isn’t just dumb logic, it’s fucking idiotic. And anyone who says it should promptly slap themselves over the back of the head for me.

If I sound even more worked up than usual, it’s because I am. Which is saying something. And here’s why:

If I was applying for a job, and I walked up to the person interviewing me, flopped my pee pee out and pissed on their shoes, you can bet your soggy socks they’d be talking about me.

If I kidnapped a backpacker in the Coorong, you’d almost certainly be right if you said people would be talking about me. And possibly the Coorong.

But there’s a very good reason people trying to get jobs don’t piss on people’s shoes. And why people promoting tourism destinations don’t kidnap backpackers to do it.

If I have to spell it out for you, which apparently I do based on some of the things I’ve seen people saying lately, let me do it for you right here and right now: talk is cheap. And does not necessarily result in results. As in actual positive outcomes.

Why more marketers aren’t mass murderers.

If your primary objective is just to get people to say your name, then sure. Go your hardest. Do the dumbest most outrageous thing you can think of, and see what happens. Piss on someone. Kill someone. Even better, go nuts with an assault rifle and they’ll be saying your name for sure. Whatever it takes. Well done you. Mission accomplished.

For most of us trying to generate results, it’s about something a bit more meaningful than that. Ideally, generating leads, which lead to conversions, which leads to bums on seats and money in your pocket.

To do that, you need to generate a certain kind of talk. Oh, but isn’t any publicity good publicity? No. No it fucking isn’t.

Ask Weinstein. Ask Epstein. Ask someone else with a name that may or may not end in ‘stein’ that’s done some fucked up shit and hasn’t hung themselves and see what they’ve got to say about it. My guess is, Harvey ain’t sitting back rubbing his hands together in glee celebrating all that awesome publicity he’s received over the past year or two. And Jeffrey, well… I think we know what he thought about it all.

Great communication isn’t just about getting someone to take notice, although that’s definitely the first step. if that doesn’t happen, there is not second or third step, so I’m not denying it’s important. What happens next though is the important bit.

Hot chicks and Chiko Rolls.

In the good old days we used to just chuck a hot chick in some bathers on a motorbike and people were queuing up to buy TaB Cola or a Chiko Roll. With the exception Kayla Itsines and possibly a heap of other ‘influencers’ flogging shit like teeth whitening stuff and herbal weightloss teas that don’t really work on Instagram, mostly not anymore. Because people want relevance. They want value. They want an actual fucking reason to think or feel a certain way. Not just any old way, like “that ad/place is fucking stupid”, and even more so when you need to change their existing perception and behaviour.

Even though it’s the biggest wank of all time, there’s a reason they’re called ‘influencers’ – they don’t just need you to talk about them, they need to influence you to bloody well go out and buy something. And getting someone to look at your boobs, is not the same as getting someone to buy teeth whitening.

Starting at “Couldn’t give a flying fuck” on the scale of that up to “Let’s do this!” is actually a shit tonne easier than starting at minus “you are shit” ten. Funnily enough, you have to work harder to convert people who already think the thing you’re selling is a great big steaming pile of shit. Promoting it with a message everyone hates but takes notice of, doesn’t automatically make them think, “oh yeah, wow, now I’ve noticed that I’m gonna change my mind and buy it”. At best, it does nothing and if it’s hateable enough, it makes them hate it even more.

“Oh, at least they’re talking about it.” Fuck. Off.

Why some shit ads work when you’re in the shit.

Now, to be fair, there are a few exceptions to that. Those Metropolitan Plumbing ads from a few years back with the dripping tap that just said the name over and over again for 30 seconds were as annoying as fuck. But when your dunny blocks up and you’re up to your ankles in shit, you’re not thinking, “oh, who did the best ads” you’re thinking “who the fuck can I call?” and whatever name pops into mind will do. Stuff like that is all about simply being top of mind. There’s no association that their ads are shit means they can’t get you out of it.

Same goes with that fuckwit from National Tiles. He sounds like a complete and utter wanker, but he’s just selling tiles. And probably the same tiles as the place down the road. So he doesn’t need to be overly persuasive, if they look alright and they’re cheap, it doesn’t matter if he’s a cockslap, you’ll buy his tiles and just lie to your mates about where you got them. In fact, sounding a bit shit may even reinforce the idea they’re cheap, and because he’s not selling NASA space equipment, you’re not really worried that your tiles will not be good quality and malfunction thwarting your next lunar landing. They’re just fucking tiles.

Not all products are created equally.

But some products, like, for example, and this is just a random example and I’m not looking fairly and squarely at tourism campaigns at all but maybe I am, require customers to actually devote a fair whack of money, time and energy into purchasing a holiday. Those fuckers need to be convinced. Like really convinced. Even more so if they’re already thinking “yeah, nah, I ain’t going to that place because it’s shit”.

Engagement, when it’s people who think you suck, is not a fucking success story. You can throw around your ‘vanity metrics’ til the cows come home, but it literally doesn’t mean shit. If it was that easy to get a result, everyone would literally just be doing random controversial stuff, people would take notice then miraculously go out and buy the thing. And you know why people don’t do that? Because it doesn’t fucking work.

I could be serious for a second and talk about the old ‘Attention. Interest. Desire. Action.’ formula they’ve been teaching since before Weinstein was a rapist, but you probably know that already.

Those metrics that people watched or liked your thing might make you feel good, but most of the time they do sweet fuck all. That’s why they’re called ‘vanity metrics’ – because that’s literally all they’re good for.

So please, dear god, if you’re thinking of going with the “oh, but at least they’re talking about it” thing, just don’t. At least not to me. Because I’m talking about you, and it ain’t fucking great.

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