After I left the ABC yesterday at stupid O’clock in the morning, I wrote quite a long post about feeling like a failure. Don’t get me wrong, I’d had a great session on-air and felt really good about it, but it got me thinking about stuff. The post was pretty personal, and right when I went to share it, Facebook bunked out and I lost it. And rather than re-write it, I took it as a sign that it wasn’t the right thing to post. That it was a bit too personal and I’d look like a bit of a fuckhead. And, to be honest, a bit… I’m not even sure what word you’re allowed to use any more, but you know, a bit… mental. But it’s been playing on my mind, so fuck it, I’m gonna have a bash at writing it again.

There’s no question I’m proud of some stuff I’ve done in my life. I’ve definitely managed to do a few cool things. But it’s also really, really easy to feel like a complete and utter failure a lot of the time. I guess this whole thought came up because after doing that radio spot, I got to thinking about how I’d been trying to really break into radio for about ten years now. Maybe more. I’m fortunate enough to do bits and pieces on radio, and do other stuff in the ‘media’ like write for a few magazines etc, but I’d definitely love to do more. Have my own show, or a regular column somewhere. And you know, make an actual living out of it rather than it be a bit of a sideline. So while part of me is grateful I get to do all that stuff, it’s also really easy to feel like a bit of a loser that even after all these years, I haven’t made it further than this. There’s all sorts of reasons for that of course, some real, some imagined, but it doesn’t change the fact it’s not my definition of success. Ten or so years as the work experience guy, the back up guy, gets to you I guess.

Same goes for lots of things. If I look around at my peers from halcyon days in advertising, many of them, most in fact, have done better financially than I have. I’ve played the game my own way, and some people seem to think that’s pretty cool, (and OK, yeah, it kinda has been… at times), but financially it means I don’t have that shack down by the beach or that fancy 4WD or the nice house with the ceiling that isn’t falling in. Money isn’t everything, of course, but at times it’s easy to feel like a failure in that department as well.

Even my running has taken a hit. My proud ‘mid-pack’ status has now slipped back to ‘back of the packer’. At times, I’m towards the front of the back of the pack, but much, much further down the results list than I used to be. People I used to run with, now leave me in their dust. Again, there’s reasons for it. Injuries. Not training as much. Not being as focused on results. Getting bit older and fatter. Doing other stuff instead. But sometimes when I go out running or I look at the results, I don’t feel very successful that’s for sure. Every now and then someone recognises me or comments on my book about running, and mostly I just feel like a fraud. Like who the fuck was I to write a book about running anyway? Are people just laughing at me for even doing it? Or maybe, that I’m that guy who used to be OK at running and ran a few big races. Who used to win advertising awards. Who does ‘a bit’ of stuff in the media.

The list goes on. Money. Weight. Fitness. Career. Opportunities missed. You name it, I can tell a pretty convincing story about how spectacularly unsuccessful I am at it. And fuck, I’m learning guitar at the moment, and if ever there was an opportunity to feel dumb as dog shit, that’s it right there.

There’s a real art to having dreams and ambition, but also being proud of how far you’ve come, of making it this far, and being content with what you do have and have achieved. And it’s not an art I’ve ever mastered, that’s for sure.

I know if I saw someone else write this, I’d probably try and write something supportive and tell them not to be too hard on themselves, so I get it, and no need to do that for me. In fact please don’t because it will be excruciatingly embarrassing for me. I didn’t share this so people would prop me up a bit. I wrote it and shared it cause if you’ve ever felt the same way, I wanted you to know I get it.

Maybe our reasons are different, or the scale is different, but I get it.

Maybe the people I look up to or fall into the trap of comparing myself to, feel exactly the same way. Hell, now I stop and think about it, many of them probably do.

And even when we’re not comparing ourselves to others, maybe some of us are also guilty of comparing ourselves to a better version of ourselves. That younger, thinner, fitter, healthier version without the grey hair or floppy bits. And there it is again. Failure alert!

I suppose at this stage of this post, I’m supposed to get to the point, but I’m struggling to think what it might be. What great philosophical insight I can share with you that made me feel better. But all I’ve got is this: go easy on yourself.

Giving yourself too much of a hard time isn’t very productive. I don’t really believe in letting ourselves off the hook completely. I think it’s good to be accountable. To have standards and dreams and goals. To feel a bit dis-satisfied with the status quo at times, and to push to be a better version of ourselves. But maybe just don’t push so hard you feel lousy about yourself.

I saw Craig Harper post recently about how shit it is that some people need a bit of positive reinforcement for every little thing they do, and while usually I quite like his no-nonsense approach to stuff, I thought he was wrong about that. I think it’s good to have a cheer squad. It’s good to have people around you who will remind you you’re awesome when you can’t see it yourself. To encourage you. Support you. Remind you about your good qualities. About your achievements – no matter how modest you might think they are.

But most importantly, I think it’s important to be a member of your own cheer squad.

Keep going people. Keep being your own version of awesome.

And as always, keep being awesome to each other. And to yourself.

Sputnik

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