I was chatting to someone the other day about the things I’d written so far, and I acknowledged just how contradictory most of them had been.
Fuck first world problems. But also, fuck pretending your problems aren’t still problems.
Fuck being aimless. But also, fuck goals that make you feel like shit.
Fuck the shit times. But also, shit times aren’t always completely bad.
There’s a pattern there. And the fence pole is so far up my arse from sitting on the fence it may well do what quite a few people have wanted to over the years, and knock my teeth out.
I considered if it meant what I was writing was absolute bullshit and completely un-useful, (which is entirely possible), before realising no, life’s just like that. Sometimes opposites are true. Cause life is strange and weird and unpredictable and makes very little sense a lot of the time.
And today I have another one for you.
Because fear can be really fucking useful. It’s what (hopefully) stops you doing all sorts of stupid and dangerous things. At least most of the time. So don’t write fear off as being something you should ignore always.
Afraid of falling off the edge of that cliff? Good. That fear will keep you from getting too close and falling off the edge of that cliff and going splat on the ground. Unless you’re taking a selfie. Then if your vanity wins out, you’re in deep trouble.
Afraid of nope ropes? (AKA snakes AKA wiggle sticks etc etc) Good. Some of them will fuck. you. up. So doing a bit of poo in your pants and keeping your distance? Good idea. (The distance bit at least.)
It’s important though, that we interrogate our fear. Sit it down, shine the light in it’s fucking face, and ask “yo motherfucker, what’s this all about?”
If when you get an answer it’s designed to keep you alive, it could be worth listening to.
If, on the other hand, it’s designed to just stop you looking like a dick, it’s time to dig a little deeper.
“What’s the worst that can happen here?” might sound pessimistic, and you shouldn’t live your life asking this and always being focused on the shit that can go wrong, but it’s a reasonable question to ask when you’re interrogating your fear.
It’s the basis of any risk analysis of any kind. What could go wrong? But also, what could go right?
It’s called balance. And I can’t answer that one for you, I can only tell you to be aware of it.
If you could lose $20, or break a finger nail, or look like a goober, or even have your heart broken, but there’s a decent upside, then fuck fear.
And if there’s a very real chance you could lose your house or break your neck, then maybe fear is your friend. And if not your friend, certainly that someone you know who’s a bit of a pain in the arse, but can tolerated at times. At least in small doses. Because maybe they’re annoying as fuck, but vaguely useful from time to time. (A bit like myself.)
Just so you know, I’m working real hard on my fears right now. With music. With my photography. With people. Even writing and sharing this scares the absolute shit out of me. I am terrified of it being rubbish. Or more importantly of people telling me it’s rubbish. I’m rubbish. Welcome to life on planet earth.
For now, I’ll keep writing, keep taking calculated risks, keep risking looking like a wanker, and keep wearing my heart on my sleeve. It’s part of who I am. And more importantly, who I want to be. And when fear comes knocking at my door telling me to pull my head in, you know what I’m gonna say. Fuck. That.
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